When you think of loving yourself, do you start singing the Divinyls’ 1991 hit, ‘I touch myself’, or say something in a sort of primary school tone of voice about loving yourself?
No? Ummm no me neither.
Self love can sound a bit cringe, or very cringe, to lots of people.
It can be misconstrued as ego talk or arrogance, when really true self love is a really simple habit you can (and should) practice regularly.
There’s often talk about ‘unconditional love’, but I believe that all love is unconditional. If the offer or act of love is contingent upon someone’s judgement or approval, then I think that is definitely not love.
Erich Fromm, who wrote The Art of Loving, says that love is a decision.
There are lots of cheesy sayings along the lines of loving yourself before you can love someone else.
There are also many people who haven’t developed a baseline level of love and respect for themselves, then get together with a new partner and get treated like shit, because that’s the standard of love that they’ve set for themselves.
What is love?
Loosely described as a feeling of affection or devotion, love varies hugely from relationship to relationship. Parents and children have a different love to a husband and wife, for example.
Love can be easily said, but can be much harder to actually practice. It’s easy to say that you love someone. You don’t have to DO anything, it’s just words.
It’s much harder to practice love – by doing something for your person that shows your love, appreciation or support.
I don’t want to get sidetracked and start talking about love and connection with people, because I think the first place to practice love is with yourself (sorry for the huuuuuge plate of cringey cheese that just served up).
What is self love?
Acceptance of you, just as you, without any judgement or caveats
- A regular practice of self care
- Appreciation of yourself
You don’t need to love yourself based on achievements, or because of certain characteristics or behaviours.
You are wonderful, just because of you. You are worthy of love because you just are.
Get it?
OK so it’s cringey, and feels realllllly awkward when you start to actually appreciate yourself.
Here are some ways you can start to practice self love – give yourself a bit of time and space and just practice these with the understanding that it feels awkward. That’ll lessen in time.
High 5 yourself
The legendary Mel Robbins created the High 5 Habit by accident, and it’s a game changer. The short version of the book is simply look in the mirror every morning and high 5 yourself. The long version is in the book and it’s absolutely worth the read.
Treat yourself with healthy food
If you “treat yourself” with chocolate, cake, crisps and the like, you’re cheating yourself not treating yourself. Eating lots of those lovely tasting but horrendously unhealthy foods will skyrocket your blood sugar, making you feel like shit not long after you eat it.
Eating healthy food is a real treat for your body and mind, you can easily rework so many unhealthy recipes into healthier versions.
Start each morning the night before
The key to an easygoing and positive morning is that it starts the night before. Prep your lunch, iron whatever you’ll wear to work, get out your gym clothes and do anything else you’ll need in the morning, before you go to bed.
Breathe deeply
Wim Hof is a breathing guru, and he has a breathing pattern that helps you get a tonne more oxygen into your body and brain (it might not be an actual tonne, but hopefully you get me!)
Affirmations
Thoughts and words are affirmations. A lot of the time, these automatically run through your mind without you even being aware of them.
You might as well make these thoughts and words positive!
I decide on an affirmation to repeat for a month at a time, and simply repeat it for 50-70 times each day. I do this in a quiet space for 5 ish minutes, and I focus solely on the affirmation.
I’ve written a bunch of affirmations you can use here.
Gratitudes
Gratitude practice can sound like the equivalent of a limp handshake or wet lettuce, the kind of unappealing, woo-woo activity that is for hippies.
It doesn’t have to be, gratitude can be as simple as saying ‘thank you’ for the weather, finding a car park space in a busy multi storey, or something else random. Or you could adopt a written habit, where you note 3-5 things each day that you’re grateful for.
It shows you the positives in your life, and is helpful if you’re having a rough day, as it makes you pull out some good things that have happened.
Have fun
Reverting to play, laughing and joking around, and playing games are some fabulous ways to calm your nervous system and to live in the present moment.
Embrace opportunities to play or have fun, even if they just last a matter of seconds!
Track your progress
Tracking how often you’re practicing self love is vital, for a number of reasons. It helps you keep on track, it motivates you to keep a streak going, and it helps instill discipline, so you’ll stick to your habits even when you don’t feel like it.
You can use a piece of paper, post its, notes on your phone, or on a habits app. I use an app called Habit Tracker, where you can set up different kinds of habits, and you can see how many days in a row you check into each habit. If you use one of these habit trackers, just make sure you’re not overloading yourself with the number of habits you strive to do each day.